i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
