I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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