I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Randomize
