I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
