Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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