Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
it was like eating out sand paper
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
