sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
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