So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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