Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
