This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
