Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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