There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
