she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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