i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
