After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
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