Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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