I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
