Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
