when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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