he puts the penis in happiness.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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