We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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