hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
