I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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