In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
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Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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