I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
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A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
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I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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