How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
