Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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