I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
