FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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