I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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