3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
