I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Is it penis luge time yet?
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
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