I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
