Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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