What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
