I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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