Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
