Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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