My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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