Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
he just fucked me for my cheese..
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Randomize
