im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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