Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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