My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
Everything about him screamed your future.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
