dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
