Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Randomize
