saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
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