I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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