I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
Randomize
