I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I'm jealous of your bromance
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
well you can't waste a boner
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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