Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
