Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
