Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
