Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Randomize
