the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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