Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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