someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
