This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Lets evaluate? U kissed one boss and lef twith another man. I cock teased the other, hardcore had a tongue jammed down my throat, made out w aa third then left in a cab w alex w them all yelling at me and offering rides. My cheek was also licked and bitten by 2 other men and we almost made out (u and me) because they asked. were hired.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
