Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
