It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Randomize
